Thursday, January 29, 2009

I am still a fat girl.

There, I said it.

I've recently lost 35 lbs, but in my head, I'm still a fat girl.

I have a shape now--- actually, I've always had a shape. Round is still a shape. My thighs no longer rub together so my pantyhose don't catch fire from the friction if I have a long, quick walk going. I like the way my legs look, and I've dropped from a size 18 into mostly 12's, depending on the cut. I still have my bodacious tata's and that makes me happy.

It's an accomplishment for me. I've tried everything that came down the pike. Nothing worked for long, if it worked at all. I found something that works for me and I'm happy with it. I have 35 lbs more to go until I'm at my goal, but 5 over my goal is still something I won't scream about. I plan to be there in July.

I am an emotional eater, and I know it, so I only have healthy munchies around now. I find that if my emotions get in a twist, a long walk helps more.

I grew up po'. I mean, WAY po'. I stockpile food like I'm expecting The Day After. I've always done that; I guess I felt like I was okay if there was plenty in the house. My daughter believes the chicken industry will stay afloat as long as I live. I was organizing my big freezer and found that 7/8 of it (21 cubic feet) was all chicken. I think for that they could send me a stinkin' coupon once in a while. Or a free chicken?

My double chin fell off along the way, along with most of the clothes in my closet.

Upside: I get to go shopping and buy cute clothes!

I eradicated my home of all those diet pills and empty promises.

I am very proud of myself!

Here's the downside:

The loss has brought up a bunch more emotional issues that I never expected. It seems that I've been holding on to my fat as a mechanism to keep me from other people. After all, everyone looks through the fat girl at the party, right?

It's almost like I'm grieving for the lost weight! I am NUTS! (I love nuts.. weakness alert!)

As long as I was fat and happy (as I thought I was), I was content to just stay inside and watch TV and not THINK about my weight. Now, I've been cleaning and reorganizing my house like I am possessed. Almost like nesting during pregnancy and that isn't the case for this old broad!!

Now I am motivated to go walking and I am constantly being asked if I am visiting someone in the neighborhood because folks don't recognize me! I am getting 'looks' (some good, some not so magical) at work from people who never had anything to do with me before.

I knew a girl back home who lost 30 lbs and she went wild. Divorced her husband, left her child, starting buying clothes left and right. She'd keep the tags, wear them once, and return them the next week. If she liked them, she'd keep them to wear a few times and then sell them.

I still have my fat clothes, just in case.

I was (and still am) very determined for this flab to flee, and now I'm wondering if it will open a whole 'nother can o' worms when it's gone. I knew who I was before; now I'm not so sure I still will.

That fat girl is still in my mirror. When will she leave?

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